some small info to start this blog.
To make this journal easier for me, I’ll give you some info beforehand. So I have a little sister and a little brother who’s all alive, healthy and well. And both of them are very loved by me. Especially when they’re small and cute.
My first encounter with mental health problems
It all started around 2017 +/- , where I probably had my first clear sign/encounter with a mental illness.
Well it wasn’t just a sign, it was a BIG sign, a big sign that blocked my whole vision. Due to that blockage, I was troubled and stuck with it for every single day, every single hour and every single seconds of my life.
What kind of mental illness it was, I have no clue. But 2017 is where it all started. I kept seeing visions or what I called it, ‘day nightmares’ of my small brother dying in a realistic or unrealistic way. Sometimes it can be both, so it’s a mix of realism and fantasy.
Every single second, busy or not, I kept seeing a scenario of him dying. And I couldn’t do anything about it in those visions, I was either unhelpful or I was too late.
Here is an example of how detailed my vision was.
- We’re walking around, I was holding his hand and he was holding mine, but suddenly he slipped out of my grip and ran to the crossroad to get his toy that fell out of his hand and rolled towards the road. And at that moment, on that road there was a bus, but since my brother is small, he couldn’t see the small kid. And right before I could push him, he got run over by the bus. The aftermath was horrible, very detailed with lots of blood.
There were a lot of scenarios I saw in my head, maybe I saw more than hundreds in one day. And it was all about him, always about my little brother.
Everyday I was filled with emotions, because no matter how much u see it, you can’t get used to it.
Emotions of anger, sadness, helplessness, most of the time i almost broke down in tears.
I was always stressed, when I was with or without him. I was scared that one of those scenarios that I saw in my head could become the reality.
I tried to gain control of my visions, by trying to gain control of my mind, but how hard I tried, how hard I tried to save him, how hard I tried to protect him in my mind (and in reality), the outcome was always death. Always, always, always death.
He always died in front of me, and the most terrible experience was when I was the one who caused the death. By my own carelessness or by my own f**king hand, accidentally or consciously.
Mask and naps
I have zero clue why this happened to me, but there was a way to exit this nightmare for a bit. And that is, by taking ‘naps’, I could escape this reality I lived in. So i took naps at home, naps at classes, naps while I had exams. Because since then, sleeping was my only way to escape from this reality.
That’s how I think I got my first ‘serious’ desire for eternal rest.
Taking naps was also my only way to rest my face, since the beginning of my nightmare, I wore a mask, a smiling mask, a mask to show that nothing is wrong with me and not to bother my friends or my parents. Only a few friends knew about my nightmare and they tried to help me. But all the efforts of my friends, all the efforts from myself, it didn’t help, It got worse day by day.
But don’t misunderstand me, I’m very grateful until the present day, that I have such great friends and I really appreciated their effort in helping me fight this hellish nightmare I was in.
Nothing helped and I suffered and suffered for months non stop, but it slowly faded away on its own.
It wasn’t 100% gone, until the present day. When my brother goes to a party or somewhere else, the visions are still there. When I played with him, or hugged him, the visions were still there. I bet it’ll hunt me forever until I go to sleep permanently.
